Yesterday my sister texted a photo of 20 million dollars found in a Brazilian guy’s bed frame in Marlborough Massachusetts. I guess I’m sleeping with the wrong guys.
There’s something about the world of crime that makes me jealous. I saw that picture and thought “how the hell can I do that?” Honestly, being an Irish Catholic with a ruddy complexion does not play out well in a life of crime. I’m a blushing liar. I have a red face tell. I think I’d be happier with a Pinocchio tell. Some people might have a fetish for a growing nose but a panting, red faced liar? The majority of people feel bad just witnessing me trying to lie. I’d never make it as a criminal. Plus I just get nervous around cops.
Police officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: because I lied about my age on the bartending job application?
Police officer: what? Have you been drinking?
Never mind if I actually did break a law.
Police Officer: did you hear about the 20 million dollars that went missing?
Me: (turning crimson, gasping for air) No, officer, I haven’t but I did go 80 in a 60 mile zone. I’ll admit to that.
Police Officer: are you ok? You don’t look good.
Me: I can’t do this!!!!! I did see the article about the missing money but I wasn’t involved but I wish I was!
Besides drinking and driving, I don’t think I have ever broken the law. I have impersonated my sister but she knew about it. She wanted to quit a waitressing job but didn’t want to deal with it.
I said “You want me to do it?”
She said “Yeah, will you call and say you are me?”
And waalaa a new practice in the Cunningham family was born. I like to think I quit more than one job for my sister but I don’t know if that is true.
I think there should be outfits for difficult conversations. If you want to make light of a tough subject, wear your Liberace costume. If you really mean business, wear your Admiral’s outfit. If you are afraid of their reaction; a suit of armor. I recently read an article that talked about sociological research done on successful people. One thing that set them apart from others was they had more difficult conversations than average.
Any who, I’d be more apt to have difficult conversations if I got to wear a kimono and geisha make up. This is what I think about while our country is in political strife.
Any excuse to wear a kimono in public.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.