There was a time when I would wake up and think glamorous thoughts like
“Some day I’m gonna live in Eastern Europe smoking cigarettes and drinking during the day, telling people about the movie script I’m working on.”
Or reclusive fantasies such as “Some day I’m gonna go live in the hills in Italy and not talk to anybody for three months then ask the town’s folk what stories they made up about me and befriend whoever has the most glamorous assumptions.. and maybe the one who had the worst too”
Facebook has changed all that. Don’t get me wrong, I still want to do both those things and more but my most pressing reverie, the one that crosses my mind pretty much once a week, is “Some day I’m gonna go on my Facebook newsfeed and comment on every status update things like “so what?” “who cares?” “good one!…Not!” then update my status to “what are you gonna do about it?”
Roll the dice. Stir the shit. Provoke attention. All that jazz.
Which got me to thinking…I really prefer juvenile insults like “who cares?” “beat it” “got off my case toilet face” stuff in that genre. People on Facebook come at each other with facts and statistics. What is this? An 8th grade debate? Lighten up people.
By the way, side note, I thought “get off my case, toilet face” was a Boston colloquialism. I even bragged about it. Until I mentioned it to my mother one day and she hesitated and said “I think it’s a Boston thing” When my mother hesitates I know she’s thinking about what she should say. In this case it was a red flag, maybe neither one of us really knew. I googled it. There it was glowing on my 15 year old Mac, “get off my case, toilet face” is not Boston slang but pulled from the script of WELCOME BACK KOTTER. Makes me cherish the phrase even more.
Anywho, long story short, I am going to start using the the number one most underused Facebook comment:
Whoopee ding dong!!
don’t go stealing my sayings, now!
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
Twitter /Instagram @theotherkendra