unbuttered bagel apology

Kendra doing standup.

Yesterday I walked three blocks to return a bagel that had not been buttered.
It was around 11:30 in the morning and the receipt showed I had purchased the bagel at 8:58 am. There was a bit of a commotion about the return. A manager came over and asked “What happened?”
I told him “I ordered a bagel toasted with butter and when I got home to eat it, there was no butter”
Basic, logical explanation. It seemed pretty cut and dry to me. I didn’t get what I ordered.
All I was asking for was my $1.87 back. The manager looked in the bag. He looked at the receipt.
I’m standing there thinking “as if he’s had a history of people returning bagels they didn’t really buy here. Gimme a break, buddy”
He walks away and explains the situation to another adult. The other adult comes over and apologizes
“Sorry to hear you didn’t get your bagel buttered”
Which I thought was both the best apology I ever got and also a wise ass remark at the same time.
I nodded and waited for my reimbursement.
I stopped myself from asking the obvious question “Am I the first person to ever return a bagel almost three hours after the purchase?”
The truth be told, it was to my benefit that they screwed up. I originally was going to order a bagel with cream cheese and downgraded to butter to save calories. The fact that they forgot my butter and I couldn’t bring myself to eat a dry, toasted bagel was good for me. Walking the three blocks = exercise. Another pro.
I really didn’t think much of it until I left and ran into somebody I know.
“How are you? What are you doing?”
“I had to return something” I noticed I suddenly felt self- conscious about what I had just done. “What are you doing?”
“I’m returning too! H&M. What were you returning?”
“Oh, it’s silly. I got a bagel this morning and they forget to butter it”
“You returned a bagel?”
This was turning into more of a “get to know Kendra” conversation than I wanted.
“Yeah, it wasn’t what I ordered”
“I never heard of somebody returning a bagel”
“I returned a banana once”
“Dude, what are you like 90?”
“What was that? I left my hearing aid at home”
We laughed and parted ways.
From now on, I’ll have a “I’m returning food” disguise.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.