“So I just took the money” and other great ways to end a story

I went for a walk down Brooklyn Bridge Park. 4 miles, if you must know.
On my way home I stopped at Swallow Café on Atlantic Ave. I like their iced coffee – or as they like to call it, cold brew. I refuse to call it that. It’s just iced coffee at a higher price. I will admit Swallow Café has good overpriced iced coffee. I tend to pop in at the end of a walk and sometimes I get a baked good, which are also pricey. I’m guessing I have been there 5 times. Never has a counter person smiled or greeted me with a “How’s it going?”
What’s a girl gotta do to get a “How’s it going?” around here?
Why do I got back? You might ask. Well, this is the thing. Most places have crappy customer service so what am I going to do? Not go places? I like going places. I like being out. So I go back to places with bad customer service until something happens that I just can’t justify spending my money there anymore.
I went in and ordered my iced coffee (no small talk)
There was one cookie in the baked goods display.
I pointed at it “Is that oatmeal?” I spoke tersely in order to communicate “I am angry that I did not get a greeting when I approached the counter”
“0atmeal white chocolate raisin” is what I think she said.
“I’ll try it” I said, already thinking, I should be spending this money on a chair massage. You can get a 10 minute chair massage for 10 dollars 3 blocks away.
My total was 7.50. Coffee and a cookie is almost as much as having a person rub your back for ten minutes. It doesn’t make sense.
I took my cookie on the road. I got about 5 minutes down the road and I went in for a piece of the cookie.
Hard as a rock.
It literally started crumbling like a scone. I broke off another piece to see if I could get to the fresh part of the cookie but I couldn’t because it wasn’t there.
I turned around and marched back to café. At this point I was wishing I had brought some lipstick or something. It’s always better to look good when complaining.
I walked into the Swallow Café and said “This cookie is hard as a rock” and tossed the bag on the counter dramatically.
The girl says “Oh”
She takes the cookie and tries to mush it. It won’t mush. She goes in the register and hands me three dollars and fifty cents.
Never says a word. No “Sorry” no “Wow, we usually have fresh cookies” no “Can I get you a complimentary coffee on your next visit?”
Had I been dressed like a lady with lipstick on and everything I might have said “No sorry? This rotten cookie just cost me 10 minutes of my day and a change in disposition” but alas, I was in my pajamas and a hoodie with an Entourage baseball cap. So I just took the money.
I need more stories that end with “So I just took the money”
Today I went and got that 10 minute chair massage. About 8 minutes in, the lady is rubbing my love handles laughing and talking to a friend in a different language. Now, I’d like to say I don’t think they were talking about me but that would be a lie.
What are you gonna do? Tell them to SHHHHH!??
I’ll just become the woman who walks into the chair massage place saying
“I’d like a ten minute chair massage with NO LAUGHING, please”

Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.