Sexual Insinuation

When I tell people I’m going to Rio, the first thing they do is nudge me and say something like “ take it easy on those Brazilian boys while your over there. “ or “Rio? City of sex. Your gonna have a great time” or some other random insinuation that I’m gonna have sex in the next 30 days. I just smile and laugh. I know that’s never gonna happen. I’m way too paranoid to participate in one night stands. I would have myself convinced that he was gonna hogtie me and put streaming video on the internet of  him torturing me for 17 hours and then the stream just goes black and nobody ever finds me. That,  or he would be the first carrier of a rare sexually transmitted disease that  does nothing to my sex parts but makes me more horny and causes  me to develop huge boils and purplish birth marks on my face and lose all my teeth and  all sorts of other  things that would ensure I never have sex with a good looking person again for the rest of my life causing me to suffer for eternity.

I can never  have a one night stand. It never ends there. It’s never a one shot deal because I very rarely meet people I want to have sex with so when I do I don’t walk away easily. When I have sex with someone I should tell them  right off the bat “ you are now the person I am going to have sex with for an indefinite period of time soooo I’ll call you or text you or both but you’ll definitely be hearing from me again”  I can turn  what should have been a   one night stand into a two year thing, no sweat.  

I don’t like getting involved with new people. Especially now a days with all the STDs. When I meet someone I feel attracted to its never a simple decision.  I start plotting and planning. I gotta figure out how to get my hands on his last ten years of medical records and even if that looks good I want to get him on a 7 day cycle of penacillian and antibiotics, rub him down with antiseptic, wrap his dick in medical gauze, squeeze fifteen condoms on him and figure out a way to do it so that his testicles don’t ever touch me.

So I doubt anything will happen in Brazil. Plus the language barrier. I wouldn’t know if he had a sense of humor or if he was giving me compliments or what the hell was going on.

I definitely want to make out though.

In public so he can’t stick me in the neck with a needle  with AIDS blood in it .

Ya gotta be careful.



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.


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Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.