I’ve never had to toilet train anybody. In fact, I’ve never witnessed anybody being toilet trained. Until recently. It was at the Women’s Room at Regina Pizzeria, technically a public restroom.
This is a small restroom with just one doored stall. The sink area is tight, I could not kick or do a jumping jack in there. On top of that, it has not been updated since 1927 (date unverified).
I opened the bathroom door to see an adult in the doorway of the toilet, a woman with her back towards me. I can see a portion of a child sitting on the toilet. The adult and child are talking about some mermaid. The kid had a really cute baby voice. I didn’t feel funny that I walked in on a potty training session, for a few minutes I found it entertaining. For a few minutes.
Then the adult looked over her shoulder at me. Did not say a word.
No “Hi, we won’t be long”
No “Sorry, we’re almost done”
No “I love your hair”
Nothing to address the fact that I was being inconvenienced by her choice to pottery train in public. That lack of acknowledgement made the situation maddening.
Here I am an adult, a person who knows how to use the toilet, waiting for a person to learn how to use the toilet before I can use? She should get off, let me go, and get back to it. Also, what the hell is taking so long? Is she trying to do number 2 in public? One of her first toilet number 2s in a public restroom? I will be asking my mother at what age she let me do that. Times have changed. Hell, I can’t remember I did something like that. No wait, I can.
So now I am mad that my patience was not praised, standing in a tiny bathroom bearing witness to a stranger’s potty training. The mermaid conversation seems to have ended. The adult is stroking the childs hair. The child is kicking her legs out like she is on a swing.
I wanted to say “I think she’s done” but before I could get it out, they started singing. I shit you not! They started singing in unison, off key, a song I had never heard before, the adult stroking her hair, aware of my presence.
I made an audible sound of disapproval but odds are they did not hear me.
I stormed out but they weren’t looking.
I left Regina Pizzeria and met my people on the sidewalk. They didn’t think the story was all that interesting until I got to the singing part. Then they laughed.
My irritation melted away and I walked a good mile or so before I found another modern public restroom with 10 humongous stalls, most empty.
“Now this is the type of place you might potty train somebody” I thought.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic and owner of a $4000 King size bed.