Not Meatloaf

An article came up in my newsfeed “20 ways to keep cool as the weather turns hot” from Boston 25 news.
Not to be an asshole, who needs a list to figure out how to keep cool? It’s a natural instinct to seek out a comfortable body temperature. Who is the target market? Eskimos who recently relocated?
That being said, I read the list.
Number 9 caught my eye: eat light- salad, not meatloaf.
My biggest laugh of the day.
It might as well say:
Eat light- Nooooo, not meatloaf, you fat fuck. SALAD. Salad is a light meal.
I’m picturing the writer pitching it to the editor:
Writer: number 9: eat light
Editor: you mean meatloaf?
Writer: no, I mean salad.
Editor: I think you should say that. People need to spell it out.
Writer: OK. I’ll add salad.
Editor: Let’s do “salad, not meatloaf”
Writer: I don’t think a lot of people are gonna think “meatloaf”
Editor: I did
I love the wording of the whole article.
Don’t use the stove if you can help it. If you can help it?
Try to get to a movie theater with air conditioning and sit down. Don’t just stand in the back. Sit!
You can find small, personal fans which are attached to cords that you can wear around your neck. The tone gets more and more in the vein of “Stop talking about the heat! You can find a personal fan!”

It’s very conversational. Almost like we are reading the notes from a meeting regarding the “How to Stay Cool Article” meeting.

I think the best way to stay cool is to lay around indoors with the shades closed until the sun goes down. Wait it out. It’s amazing how quickly socializing skills atrophy. One twelve hour period without social interaction gives me mild social anxiety. I tend to start the first two or three conversations with “You are the first person I spoke to today” “You are the second person I spoke to today” once I get to three it starts to sound like I’m losing my patience with talking to people “You are the third person I talked to today. I am starting to get really sick of starting up new conversations. Let’s hope this is the last.”
My last conversation of the day is usually something like
“I’ll have one more then cash me out”
Salad not meatloaf
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
twitter @theotherkendra

Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.