Mall Whore

Last week I got lost in the Palisades mall. If you have never been to the Palisades mall, it is a big mall with lots of different escalators and arms of stores stretching out in different directions. It was around 11pm Thursday night. I said bye to the people I knew at the comedy show I had performed in and left the place where I felt safe. I knew I parked by the Lord and Taylor. Off I went. Not scared. Yet.

I went down three escalators and realized I had no idea where the fuck I was. I had no choice but to approach a mall directory. There was nobody around except a man who looked like he was filing his nails while standing. I found the Lord and Taylor on the map; I had taken one escalator too many. Back to the escalator I went. Two teenagers came out of nowhere laughing and shoving each other and seemed to be following me (they got on the escalator behind me).

I got off the escalator with my back straight and head held high. There was nobody around, except the teenagers who were still having way more fun than me. I couldn’t imagine that all the tomfoolery was their lead in to a mugging so I tried to focus on finding the correct exit and not on the possibility of being mugged for the first time in New York in a mall. “No need to panic, Kendra” I said to myself. I still could not see the friggin Lord and Taylor. I turned down an arm of stores and saw two men walking toward me. Not too many late night ladies at the Palisades. I didn’t want to ask the men for help. They might confuse me for a mall whore. I had no choice but to go back to the mall directory map.

Turns out, I was two store arms away from Lord and Taylor. I was walking so fast I could hear myself breathing. Suddenly I saw the door I had come in. I shook my head with relief and got the car keys out. I pushed the door open and breathed in the fresh air. There were seven cars left in the humongous parking lot. All spread out. I walked to my car only it wasn’t mine. I looked around. My catastrophic thinking kicked in. What if the car was stolen? What if I call the cops and the cops are in the mall watching the monitors? They’ll already know me as the Mall Directory Utilizer. They’ll never believe me. I took a deep breath and began walking to the next car, which was more than 100 paces away. “My feet hurt” I thought.

Luckily car number two was the right car!

It was only 11:15.
It had been 15 minutes since I left the show surely none of the other comics had thought “I wonder if Kendra is lost in the mall”
People say to wait three days before you report somebody missing.
I mean if I had been lost in the mall for three days???
I would have had a heart attack.
Self induced.
Thanks for listening!
Kisses-
Kendra
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.
www.kendracunningham.com
twitter @theotherkendra

Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.