Comfort Critic

I went out to eat alone this past weekend. I used to do that alot. It helped to get of the house to write and going to a bar for two hours means pounding a lot of drinks, in a restaurant you can sit and not feel forced to get wasted.

I like to sit at the bar but the stools had no backs and I don’t like that. Bar stools with no backs should be banned. I stand by that outlandish statement. Bar stools with no backs are like saying “you want to drink and be comfortable, we are not of the same mindset, take our uncomfortable offer or turn around and leave”

I’m the Comfort Critic. I walk in I see the backless bar stools “not a good sign”

Music level and lighting seem good though. (baby cries) Infants, not good.

There must be a way to have a no infant policy or no kids. I think there are restaurants suited for kids and ones that aren’t. For instance, if the lights are dimmed, no kids.

I don’t want to be in a wine stupor in a dimly lit restaurant heading to the Ladies Lounge and a 5 year old, out of my line of vision, comes racing by me. Not only is it startling, even worse, it’s a buzz kill.

It’s hard to watch kids misbehave in a restaurant and not feel inclined to get involved. I came out to relax and get out of the house, not to be exposed to the childhood antics that should be happening in your living room. Hey, If I got up and started sprinting around the restaurant yelling “Look at meeeeee weeeee” I wouldn’t be allowed back. Logically, I should be the one allowed to act out more, I have money.

Ok I was not planning on ranting about kid’s restaurant behavior, but I did get sat next to a table with two kids, one crying infant and one kid who was pretending he was in a parade the whole time. It’s distracting.

It took the waiter longer than I would have liked to pay attention to me. In fact, I started putting my coat back on to leave and not in a dramatic fashion more in a defeated  “this was a waste of time” sort of way. My vision was not playing out there. Just as I was working on sleeve number two, somebody approached my table. I placed my whole order, drink and meal at once. I don’t usually like to do that because I want to relax and take my time but I wanted the waiter to know I had had too much time unattended. I already knew everything, he might be planning on gathering the information in two separate conversations but I was going to give it to him in one. Take that slow poke. After he walked away I thought “I should have asked for the check too”

“Drink, meal, check”

Then he would have really got the point.

Table for one, unhappy with the service.

I know my behavior was childish.

But at least I internalized my hissy fit.

Like an adult.

Thanks for listening!



Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed.

twitter @theotherkendra

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Check out my podcast How’s Your Mother?

Kendra Cunningham is a stand-up comic, comedy writer, actress and filmmaker living in Brooklyn.