I got called for an audition for a Doritos commercial recently. Auditions are weird to begin with but commercial auditions are the worst. Whenever I get called the casting agent always says “it’s a funny commercial “ but it never is.
I was supposed to be a Mom. I hate when I get calls to play a Mom. I find that insulting. At least they didn’t ask me to audition for the role of the chubby Mom. I showed up in my best Mom outfit only to find out I am to audition for the part of a bird. A bird mom. The casting guy says “you don’t really look bird like”. Probably all that people food I’ve been eating. They tell me I have to enter the scene like a bird and sit next to my bird son and regurgitate a bag of Doritos and I put make up on for this bologna. You gotta be kidding me.
So there I am trying to peck my head back and forth and flap my wings at the same time when the casting guy says”umm less chicken, more bird”. I shit you not. That was the direction he gave me. Less chicken. More bird. I wanted to say “ you know what? I don’t want the job. Give me my audition tape. I’m withdrawing my audition. I don’t want to be considered for the regurgitating bird mom role and a chicken is a bird so your direction makes no sense and this is not funny so you’re failing at directing and making a funny commercial. Seriously, give me the tape”
I tried to really beeeeeee the bird. He had me slate one more time and that was that. Oh I forgot to mention he made me put my hair up in this mock Mohawk do. I did it and it looked kinda cool and then he came over and fucked with it and made it look stupid.
I want that audition tape.
Thanks for listening!
Kendra is a stand up comic living in Brooklyn where she owns a super comfortable bed. She spends most of her time wondering where the hell her sugar daddy is and hoping he didn’t settle.